JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
Best yo mamma joke I have seen in a while:
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
ohanacreek
My EcoBoost has I4WD
Moderator
Lifetime Member
This is so true, if the kids only knew:
I have tried to explain this to some youth I have worked with they don't believe me...
I have a 20yr veteran corrections officer that told me and has tried to tell them they still think it's "cool", jokes on them.
Hondasxs
Club Founder
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
bobbyhill
Pay to Play and I'm broke all around!
Junior Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
What is Black and Brown and looks good on a Lawyer?
A Doberman Pinscher!
A Doberman Pinscher!
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 3.5L V6 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 3.5L V6 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
Friendship between women:
A woman doesn’t come home one night.
The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night.
The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends.
Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
A woman doesn’t come home one night.
The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night.
The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends.
Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
bobbyhill
Pay to Play and I'm broke all around!
Junior Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
Thats no Joke!Friendship between women:
A woman doesn’t come home one night.
The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night.
The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends.
Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
bobbyhill
Pay to Play and I'm broke all around!
Junior Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
Version: Wife
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
bobbyhill
Pay to Play and I'm broke all around!
Junior Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ...
'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here,
I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,.. 'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ...
'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here,
I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,.. 'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you
go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later
in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman
standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the
gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......
Son-of-a-b****!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you
go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later
in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman
standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the
gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......
Son-of-a-b****!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
They won't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Wal-Mart either!"
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
They won't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Wal-Mart either!"
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
Moderator
Lifetime Member
Supporting Member
Club Contributor
Similar threads
