Joke of the Day

[ohanacreek]

A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."

He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[Admin]

 

[ohanacreek]

A old lady is hopelessly lost as she is trying cross Texas. Around Houston she gets pulled over by a State Trooper because she has seen her drive by several times.

The trooper asks for her ID and asks her if she has any weapons he needs to know about in the vehicle.

The old lady says, "Well, yeah. Here's my permit, I've got a .38 revolver in the glove compartment. I have a .45 in my purse, and a little one-shot derringer in my bra. I also have an AR-15 in my trunk. That's it."

The trooper inspects the permit and calls it in, and after being satisfied, goes back to the vehicle. "Ma'am, are you on your way to, or from, a gun range?"

The old lady says "no, I can't afford range fees."

"OK, you carry around all these guns, then what the hell are you so afraid of?"

The old lady stares dead ahead and says, "Not a damn thing officer."

 

[JACKAL]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[JACKAL]

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman.

The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

[JACKAL]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[JACKAL]

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

 

[JACKAL]

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

 

[JACKAL]

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

 

[JACKAL]

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.

The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”

The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”

After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.

Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.

Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”

She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

 

[JACKAL]

An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines.
Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play.
All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!
After much worry the actor decided to take the role.
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!

The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?”

 

[JACKAL]

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.
The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments.
As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate,
and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.
The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin.
But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died.

The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket.
It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note.
Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what,
I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note,
and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from.

With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.
The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

 

[JACKAL]

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

 

[JACKAL]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[JACKAL]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[bagotaco]

Been loving these jokes keep it up

 

[Duramax]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Haha this is hilarious!

 

[JACKAL]

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

 

[JACKAL]

Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

 

[JACKAL]

Wanna Buy a Possum?

 

[JACKAL]

The Last Piece of Chicken