Joke of the Day

[JACKAL]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[Admin]

 

[JACKAL]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

 

[JACKAL]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

 

[JACKAL]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

 

[JACKAL]

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

[bobbyhill]

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

Lol

 

[JACKAL]

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

 

[JACKAL]

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[JACKAL]

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

 

[JACKAL]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eati...ng a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[JACKAL]

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

 

[JACKAL]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[JACKAL]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[Hondasxs]

I would post some.... But I don't know any jokes. Lol.

 

[JACKAL]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

[JACKAL]

@jak9922 this ones for you

Dear Sirs,

Last year I changed from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, and I have observed that the program runs a unexpected Child process 0.23 Beta that takes a lot of space and importan resources. In the leaflet of the program didn't mention this phenomena.

Furthermore, Wife 1.0 autoinstalls in all other programs and it runs when starting any other application, monitoring all activity of the system. Applications like Hunting 10.3, Drinking 4.0, HamRadio 2.5, or SundayFootball 5.0 no longer work, and the system hungs each time I wan to load them.

Sometimes a hidden program (virus or trojan?) called MotherInLaw 1.0 that seem to be memory resident appears and it completely hungs the system or it makes Wife 1.0 behave in an unpredictable way, for instance, not accepting any command I enter.

I haven't managed to uninstall this resident program. Aparently I can't keep Wife 1.0 minimized when running some of my Favorites applications. I'm thinking about going back to the former program GirlFriend 7.0, but uninstall doesn't work. Could you help me?

Thanks.

ANSWER:

Dear user,

This a a very common complain among the users of Wife 1.0, but in general it's because of a basic missunderstanding. Many people change from GirlFriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is just an amusing program or a utility program. However Wife 1.0 (on the contrary that GirlFriend 7.0) is a complete OPERATING SYSTEM and it was designed to control the whole system.

It's very unlikely that you can purge Wife 1.0 and convert it back to GirlFriend 7.0. There are hidden operating files in your system that would make GirlFriend 7.0 emulate Wife 1.0, so it's not worth.

It's impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files once installed. You can't use GirlFriend 7.0 any more because Wife 1.0 is programed for that. The same happens with MotherInLaw 1.0 that is a hidden application that autoinstalls in the system while Wife 1.0 is running.

Some people have tried formating the system completely in order to later install the programs GirlFriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but they end up with more problems than before. Read the manual, section "Precautions", chapters "Divoce pensions - Child custody"

On the other hand, if you change to GilfFriend 8.0 don try later to change to Wife 2.0 because the problems of this new version of the operating system are the same, or even worst, than those of Wife 1.0. Although a version 3.0 (and even 4.0) of Wife exists, they are only for specialists and not advisable for the normal user.

If all fails, it's better to try systems based in completely different platforms, like Celibacy 1.0 or Gay 5.3. I recomend you keep Wife 1.0 and handle the situation the best you can.

I personally also have Wife 1.0 installed, and I suggest you study the whole section of the manual "General Faults of Society (GFS's)"

Wife 1.0 is a program very sensible to commands and it works in "Fail-Safe" mode. This means that you must assume the responsability of any problem that arises, independently of its reason, because the program will always consider any system fault as being due to the improper handling of the user.

One of the main application utilities is the command C:\IAMSORRY when a problem arises or the systems hungs. Don't restart the system because it will continue failing. Avoid an excesive use of the "ESC" or "DEL" keys, because then you will have to use the IAMSORRY command in order to make the program work normally. The system will work nicely if you assume all blames of GFS's. Wife 1.0 is a program very interesting, but with a high cost of maintenance.

Consider the possibility to install some additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recomend you Candy 2.1 or Flowers 5.0.

You can also use YesDarling 8.0 o YouAreRight 14.7, they are very well know Shareware programs that work great as residents. You can get them almost anywhere.

NEVER INSTALL SecretaryInMiniSkirt 3.3, OldFriendWithBigTeats 7.5 o Buddies 4.6. These progrmas doesn't work under Wife 1.0 and will probably cause irreversible damage to the Operating System.

Good luck. The technician.

 

[bobbyhill]

@jak9922 this ones for you

Dear Sirs,

Last year I changed from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, and I have observed that the program runs a unexpected Child process 0.23 Beta that takes a lot of space and importan resources. In the leaflet of the program didn't mention this phenomena.

Furthermore, Wife 1.0 autoinstalls in all other programs and it runs when starting any other application, monitoring all activity of the system. Applications like Hunting 10.3, Drinking 4.0, HamRadio 2.5, or SundayFootball 5.0 no longer work, and the system hungs each time I wan to load them.

Sometimes a hidden program (virus or trojan?) called MotherInLaw 1.0 that seem to be memory resident appears and it completely hungs the system or it makes Wife 1.0 behave in an unpredictable way, for instance, not accepting any command I enter.

I haven't managed to uninstall this resident program. Aparently I can't keep Wife 1.0 minimized when running some of my Favorites applications. I'm thinking about going back to the former program GirlFriend 7.0, but uninstall doesn't work. Could you help me?

Thanks.

ANSWER:

Dear user,

This a a very common complain among the users of Wife 1.0, but in general it's because of a basic missunderstanding. Many people change from GirlFriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is just an amusing program or a utility program. However Wife 1.0 (on the contrary that GirlFriend 7.0) is a complete OPERATING SYSTEM and it was designed to control the whole system.

It's very unlikely that you can purge Wife 1.0 and convert it back to GirlFriend 7.0. There are hidden operating files in your system that would make GirlFriend 7.0 emulate Wife 1.0, so it's not worth.

It's impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files once installed. You can't use GirlFriend 7.0 any more because Wife 1.0 is programed for that. The same happens with MotherInLaw 1.0 that is a hidden application that autoinstalls in the system while Wife 1.0 is running.

Some people have tried formating the system completely in order to later install the programs GirlFriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but they end up with more problems than before. Read the manual, section "Precautions", chapters "Divoce pensions - Child custody"

On the other hand, if you change to GilfFriend 8.0 don try later to change to Wife 2.0 because the problems of this new version of the operating system are the same, or even worst, than those of Wife 1.0. Although a version 3.0 (and even 4.0) of Wife exists, they are only for specialists and not advisable for the normal user.

If all fails, it's better to try systems based in completely different platforms, like Celibacy 1.0 or Gay 5.3. I recomend you keep Wife 1.0 and handle the situation the best you can.

I personally also have Wife 1.0 installed, and I suggest you study the whole section of the manual "General Faults of Society (GFS's)"

Wife 1.0 is a program very sensible to commands and it works in "Fail-Safe" mode. This means that you must assume the responsability of any problem that arises, independently of its reason, because the program will always consider any system fault as being due to the improper handling of the user.

One of the main application utilities is the command C:\IAMSORRY when a problem arises or the systems hungs. Don't restart the system because it will continue failing. Avoid an excesive use of the "ESC" or "DEL" keys, because then you will have to use the IAMSORRY command in order to make the program work normally. The system will work nicely if you assume all blames of GFS's. Wife 1.0 is a program very interesting, but with a high cost of maintenance.

Consider the possibility to install some additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recomend you Candy 2.1 or Flowers 5.0.

You can also use YesDarling 8.0 o YouAreRight 14.7, they are very well know Shareware programs that work great as residents. You can get them almost anywhere.

NEVER INSTALL SecretaryInMiniSkirt 3.3, OldFriendWithBigTeats 7.5 o Buddies 4.6. These progrmas doesn't work under Wife 1.0 and will probably cause irreversible damage to the Operating System.

Good luck. The technician.

lmao I think this one is for every one!

 

[ohanacreek]

 

[JACKAL]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

 

[ohanacreek]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the! car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral: Don't mess with little old ladies!