Joke of the Day

JACKAL

JACKAL

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Coon Hunting Monkey


 
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JACKAL

JACKAL

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“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak Train, “I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great aunt’s funeral.” “Sure thing!” said the steward happily, we’ll make you sure you get off!”

Six hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out of his seat in a panic, “WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN BALTIMORE!”

“Oh boy! He looks mad!” Remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.

“Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore.” She whispered back
 
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JACKAL

JACKAL

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Best Pick Up Line Comebacks

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man – Can I buy you a drink?
Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?
Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man – Is this seat empty?
Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man – So what do you do for a living?
Woman – I’m a female impersonator
 
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JACKAL

JACKAL

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  2. Talon X4
“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.

Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.

Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”

Cleardot“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
 
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JACKAL

JACKAL

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John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
 
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JACKAL

JACKAL

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A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!

Cleardot“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally I got around to doing it while Julie was out shopping. After finishing I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and prepared to take a shower. Before getting in the shower she got undressed and then sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally in desperation I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed
 
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JACKAL

JACKAL

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
 
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C

CATaylor

New Member
Sep 3, 2015
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A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look, so the midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and he reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor asked, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, “Perfect Doc! Geez, I didn't feel a thing!!! What the heck did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
 
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bobbyhill

bobbyhill

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A Doctor Reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, Damn It," he proclaims, "Some A$$hole has my pen!"
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is... fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
:D
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

:eek:
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again....
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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Blondes:

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!" says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde. Why do you ask?''

I thought so, the doctor said, '"Your finger is broken."
 
JACKAL

JACKAL

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Blondes KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!

''NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
 
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