JACKAL
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JACKAL
Ancient Honda fanboi
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JACKAL
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JACKAL
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ohanacreek
My EcoBoost has I4WD
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Husband Arrives Home Drunk Out of His Mind…
“Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Halloween party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
“Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
“He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son… What happened last night’
“‘Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell on the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
“Confused, he asked his son,’So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?’
“His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’
“Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Halloween party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
“Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
“He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son… What happened last night’
“‘Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell on the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
“Confused, he asked his son,’So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?’
“His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’
JACKAL
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JACKAL
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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock... If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours... If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells... If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3... and if it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock... If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours... If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells... If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3... and if it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
JACKAL
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An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."
"Such as?"
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"
"I'm going back to visit her."
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."
"Such as?"
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"
"I'm going back to visit her."
JACKAL
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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
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One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night, the doorbell rings. The first kid at the door says, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The father, mildly amused, answers, "Yes."
The second kid comes to the door and says, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" The guy, now perplexed, answers, "Yes."
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. A kid says, 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?' The guy, becoming annoyed, answers, "Yes."
The doorbell rings one more time, and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck . . . "
The father shot him.
The second kid comes to the door and says, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" The guy, now perplexed, answers, "Yes."
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. A kid says, 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?' The guy, becoming annoyed, answers, "Yes."
The doorbell rings one more time, and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck . . . "
The father shot him.
JACKAL
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A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
bobbyhill
Pay to Play and I'm broke all around!
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So we are moving to a new state soon and my wife says to me " I think I am going to need a Garmin to help me find my way, after we move." And I Quickly Replied "Nah you will be fine. it is a short and easy trip from the kitchen to the bed room!!
A guy is sitting in a bar and notices $100 bills pinned all over the ceiling. He asks the bartender about it and is told "You give me $100 and I pin it up there, if you can do 3 tasks, you get all the money up there. If you can't do all three, the money stays up there until somebody completes all three".
The guy asks "What are the tasks?". The bartender replies "First you have to drink a whole 5th of tequila. 2nd There's a pitbull chained out back with a bad tooth. You have to pull that tooth. 3rd granny lives upstairs and hasn't had any lovin' in 20 years. you have to please her".
The guy thinks about and says "I'll take your challenge" and hands the bartender $100. He pins it on the ceiling and hands the guy a 5th of rot gut tequila. The guy starts doing shots. As time goes on, he gets drunker and drunker. he can hardly sit upright by the time he finishes the bottle.
"One down...now for that dog". He stumbles out the back door. The people inside hear barking and growling. There's a huge commotion. Banging clanging,barking, yelling followed by yelping.
Then there's silence. A couple of minutes later the drunk stumbles back in zipping up his pants and says "2 down....now where's the old lady with the bad tooth."
The guy asks "What are the tasks?". The bartender replies "First you have to drink a whole 5th of tequila. 2nd There's a pitbull chained out back with a bad tooth. You have to pull that tooth. 3rd granny lives upstairs and hasn't had any lovin' in 20 years. you have to please her".
The guy thinks about and says "I'll take your challenge" and hands the bartender $100. He pins it on the ceiling and hands the guy a 5th of rot gut tequila. The guy starts doing shots. As time goes on, he gets drunker and drunker. he can hardly sit upright by the time he finishes the bottle.
"One down...now for that dog". He stumbles out the back door. The people inside hear barking and growling. There's a huge commotion. Banging clanging,barking, yelling followed by yelping.
Then there's silence. A couple of minutes later the drunk stumbles back in zipping up his pants and says "2 down....now where's the old lady with the bad tooth."
ohanacreek
My EcoBoost has I4WD
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So my Father-In-Law retired from duty as a Marine drill Sargent, after 6 months his wife told him he needed to get out of the house or reenlist. He finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately he lasted less than a day.
About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per the greeter training manual he said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The older one is 11, and the other one is 4. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So he replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma'am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
His supervisor said he probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per the greeter training manual he said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The older one is 11, and the other one is 4. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So he replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma'am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
His supervisor said he probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
JACKAL
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In a Psychiatric Hospital, a Journalist asks the Doctor: "How do you determine whether to admit a person as a patient or not?
Dr: Well ... we'd fill a bathtub with water and then give a teaspoon, a glass, & a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger.
Dr: No, a normal Person would pull the Drain plug! Please go to bed #39. We will soon start further investigations on you.
Dr: Well ... we'd fill a bathtub with water and then give a teaspoon, a glass, & a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger.
Dr: No, a normal Person would pull the Drain plug! Please go to bed #39. We will soon start further investigations on you.
JACKAL
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A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was. One of the poor fellows turned to the wealthy fellow and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost 1 foot high!"
Lesson: Never trust managers... They will go to any extreme to finish their job.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was. One of the poor fellows turned to the wealthy fellow and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost 1 foot high!"
Lesson: Never trust managers... They will go to any extreme to finish their job.
JACKAL
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE... One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were in bed together. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
FOR EXAMPLE... One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were in bed together. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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