Joke of the Day

[JACKAL]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Tabascojunkie]

Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

 

[JACKAL]

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

[JACKAL]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

[JACKAL]

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

 

[JACKAL]

"What did I do wrong, baby? [silence] Sweetheart... tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing."

"I know something's wrong..."

"I'm fine."

"Just tell me what I did."

"You know what you did."

"I really don't! Please tell me so I can fix it."

"I shouldn't have to tell you. You should already know."

"Well, please... since I don't... please just tell me!"

[She sighs and turns around.] "Back in 1985..."

 

[JACKAL]

The government has a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. The congressman whose district it's in says someone might steal from it at night, so congress creates a night watchman, GS-4 position and hires a person for the job. Then the congressman asks, "How does the watchman do his job with out instruction?"

So congress creates a planning position and hires two people - one person to write the instructions, a GS-12, and one person to do time studies, a GS-11.

"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" the congressman asks.

So Congress creates a quality control position and hires a GS-9 to do quality control studies and a GS-11 to write the reports. Then the congressman asks "How are these people going to get paid?"

So congress authorizes a positions of timekeeper, GS-9, and payroll officer, GS-11, and two people are hired to fill the slots.

"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" the congressman asks.

So they hire three people, and administrative officer, GS-13, an assistant administrative officer GS-12, and a legal secretary, a GS-8. On the eve of the next election season the congressman looks at the cost and says, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $40,000 over budget. We must cutback overall costs."

So they lay off the night watchman.

 

[JACKAL]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached the city of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the not-so-bright waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

[JACKAL]

A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"

The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"

 

[JACKAL]

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

 

[JACKAL]

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over. When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats. When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage. He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times."

 

[Martin]

Harry was playing golf with a good friend when he suddenly had a massive heart attack and died on the golf course. So at the funeral, a person was talking to Harry's best friend about how terrible that was and how difficult it must have been to lose such a close friend. Harry's friend replied it was sure hard to lose his best friend but it was event harder to take him off the golf course, Hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!!!!

 

[Tabascojunkie]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached the city of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the not-so-bright waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Nack uh tish

 

[Harman24630]

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

[Harman24630]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a s*** house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.

 

[educ8tedguess]

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second.


On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.


He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.


The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"


"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man broke down and sobbed.


The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just f***ing with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

 

[CumminsPusher]

What do you get when you mix human dna with goat dna?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

 

[JACKAL]

What dot out get when you mix human dna with goat dna?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

I was going to say an ISIS recruiting poster.

 

[CumminsPusher]

I was going to say an ISIS recruiting poster.

I suppose that's the largest clientele

 

[JACKAL]

There was a man who computed his taxes and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the over-payment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.