Joke of the Day

[JACKAL]

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house. The woman quickly rolls over and blurts out, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, gathers some of his clothing, jumps through the window, and crawls through the bushes and out on the street. After a moment, a realization sinks in. He calmly goes back into the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

Without missing a beat she replies, while giving him a dirty look. "So why did you run?"

 

[JACKAL]

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

"Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

 

[JACKAL]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and will kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked. ''So where were you when I got married?''

 

[JACKAL]

There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"

The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you

 

[JACKAL]

A woman notices her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know, that’s not going to help,” she says.

“Sure it does,” he answers. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

[JACKAL]

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.

Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

 

[CumminsPusher]

A guy walks up to the register at a pharmacy with a couple boxes of condoms. The clerk rings him up and asks him "would you like a bag for those?" The customer then replies "no she's not quite that ugly."

 

[CumminsPusher]

Superman is out flying around looking for some trouble and happens to come across WonderWoman sunbathing naked in her back yard. He's always had a thing for her but was embarrassed to say anything. He thinks to himself well who'll know right? He unzips his pants and swoops down and back out with a grin. Wonder Woman says "what the hell was that!" The Invisible Man screams in pain "I don't know but my ass really hurts!!!!"

 

[JACKAL]

@jak9922 was this you before ATV's / SXS's ? LOL

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1227363193948222

 

[jak9922]

just without the thongs hahahag

 

[JACKAL]

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."

 

[JACKAL]

Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks, "Who’s funeral is this?"

The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”

Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”

"This is the dog that killed her.”

So Tom asks, “Can I borrow the dog for an hour?”

He responds, “Get in line!”

 

[JACKAL]

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant

 

[JACKAL]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey again nodded up and down.

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey again nodded yes in agreement. "Now wait, you're saying they were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?" asked the officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey, emphatically.

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

 

[JACKAL]

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.

Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

 

[JACKAL]

I asked my friend , "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"

He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?"

He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples".

He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?"

He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Bodoland should be formed or not, whether Dhoni should retire from Cricket , Whom should Salman Khan Marry. etc etc. and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions...

 

[JACKAL]

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking, "What trip?"

 

[JACKAL]

One day a husband says to his wife, “Today is a fine day!” Next day he says it again. “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing, “Today is a fine day.”

Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband, “Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”

"Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you."

 

[JACKAL]

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane.

Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

The flight attendant smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

 

[JACKAL]

Husband: You will never succeed, in making that dog obey you.

Wife: Nonsense! it's only a matter of patience, remember I had a lot of trouble with you at first as well...