Joke of the Day

[JACKAL]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours, I will give you $5,000."

The idiot replies, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now my turn, what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.

 

[JACKAL]

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower or uppercase?”

 

[JACKAL]

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his super-critical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"

"The one with short hair."

"Yes! How’d you know?"

"Because that’s the one I didn’t like."

 

[JACKAL]

In a Psychiatric Hospital, a Journalist asks the Doctor: "How do you determine whether to admit a person as a patient or not?

Dr: Well ... we'd fill a bathtub with water and then give a teaspoon, a glass and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger.

Dr: No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed #39. We will soon start further investigations on you.

 

[JACKAL]

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

 

[JACKAL]

Father in a conversation with a neighbor...

First son: Degree in Economics
Second son: MBA
Third son: PhD
Fourth son: Thief

Neighbor: Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?

Father: He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed

 

[JACKAL]

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.

The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"

 

[JACKAL]

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

 

[JACKAL]

Wanting to have a quick love-making session, the couple told their 8-year-old son to go stand on the balcony with a popsicle and to report to them all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into action.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving... and Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

 

[JACKAL]

Glenn and Scott are bungee jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the main square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump.

When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up. This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

 

[JACKAL]

A twice married and divorced well-to-do business man named Ralph felt he finally found his soul mate in a woman half his age. Betty, his new wife, was pretty, dirty blond hair, and not all that bright, but Ralph didn't care. He would do anything to make her happy, and on Betty's birthday he called her out to the front yard.

"Happy Birthday!" he shouted as he proudly showed off Betty's gift, an immaculate 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air 2 door hard top classic car.

"Wow!" Betty exclaimed. "That's a really ancient looking car. It must be more than 20 years old!"

"Try 50! Honeybunch, I have a business trip to go on. This car will make you a ton of money. There's a bunch of events coming up in Johnson County and when I get back, I bet you're gonna make me a happy man when I find out how well you did."

Ralph left on his trip, and upon his return, as he was driving up the block to his house, he noticed a tow truck in his driveway. Pulling up he saw his dear old classic car on the truck bed, smashed to smithereens. Running into the house, he yelled for Betty.

"What in the world happened to your car?"

"I won first prize, $1000, that's what happened," Betty replied.

"First prize, where?" Ralph asked astonishingly.

"At the Johnson County Demolition Derby!"

 

[JACKAL]

Two aliens landed their spacecraft in a creek next to a rural farm. They disembarked the saucer, getting themselves soaked from the muddy water.

The first person the aliens saw was a ten year old boy fishing close by. The aliens said, "We want to see your leader but we don't know what to expect?"

The boy replied, "Well, I suspect you'll get grounded for two weeks for tracking mud in the house."

 

[JACKAL]

The local pastor was making his annual visit and was invited to dinner at the Brown family. As Mr. and Mrs. Brown prepared dinner in the kitchen, the pastor was sitting with their five year old son in living room.

The pastor asked the boy what he expected they were going to have for dinner. The boy immediately replied, "goat".

Thinking this was rather strange he asked, "What makes you think we are going to have goat for dinner?"

The boy replied, "I heard dad tell mom they were having the old goat for dinner tonight."

 

[ohanacreek]

 

[JTW]

That's hot!!

 

[Smitty335]

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:

"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Thats great1

 

[Smitty335]

i got a bid invitation today for a federal subsidized apartment complex for midgets, The name of the project is Stay Free Mini Pads

 

[ohanacreek]

 

[Plumber32]

This proves my hypothesis. You guys are genius!

 

[JACKAL]